Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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