guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
