apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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