Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
