I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
