I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The air was thick with penises
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
