Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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