I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
