She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
