please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
