I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
