4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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