It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
