I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
