you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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