I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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