I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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