I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
