i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize