Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I believe in your delicious
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
