Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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