ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
