anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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