You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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