bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
