Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
