I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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