Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
