Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
