they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
