im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
