he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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