i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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