Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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