oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
