if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
