My sheets look like a crime scene.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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