Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize