Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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