I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
