....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize