I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
