i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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