Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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