You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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