I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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