I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Oh god it's open bar.
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