I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
