Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
