I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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