I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You made out with two different species that night
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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