Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
