so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize