I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
