i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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