Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
