you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
