Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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