i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
did i just pee glitter
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
