thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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