she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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