I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
