dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
